The Compass of Shame – adapted from DL Nathanson Shame and Pride, 1992
Four patterns of reaction when we ignore the spotlight of shame
NORTH Withdrawal
Looks like a classical shame response: feeling rejected, distance, isolated and humiliated and withdrawing from connection. Head and neck slump, eyes droop or turn away, upper body goes limp – collapses. Don’t want to be out with people. Withdraw into self. Get quiet. Space out. Depression.
SOUTH Avoidance
Strategies to turn off the bad feeling: addictive or compulsive behaviours, e.g. drinking, drug use, compulsive overeating, compulsive spending. Act out in shameless ways – “I’ll show you who’s bad…” OVER work, OVER do, OVER give, OVER strive. Emphasize those things that bring you pride, affirmation, compliments, approval. Ignore the situations that make you feel bad or less than.. and pursue the opposite.
EAST Attack self
The ways one insults the self in internal dialogs (our Critic) or presenting one’s self to others. Self-talk – I’m unworthy, lack value, defective, stupid, etc. Offer self to other in demeaning sexual/physical relationships and allow the other to feel powerful and have more value. This behaviour pattern can manage the loneliness of withdrawal but creates emotional pain. Manage shame by creating emotional pain.
WEST Attack other
Establishing immediate proof that one is more powerful, bigger, stronger, meaner than someone else. Diminishing someone else so one doesn’t feel one’s own diminishment. Move between bantering to reduce the other AND insults, abuse, violence, cruelty.
ACTION/REFLECTION
- In the next 3 interactions with the “MY LIST” students and adults(colleagues or parents), listen for any unhelpful shame responses from the compass of shame.
- Find out 2 favourites (movies, pets, vacations, animals etc) about your MY LIST students and adults (colleagues or parents) this week.
- What is the shame compass? An Article from Mental Health @ home
- Navigating beyond the Compass: Shame, Guilt and Empathy in Restorative Practices in the School Setting by Graeme George Navigating beyond the Compass_Ver2.pdf
Attendance is a flashlight not a hammer!
How can a trusted caring adult be a protective factor to change the curve of student absenteeism by building connections with students and with adults?